


You Can Call Me Al

by skintightsocks



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-24
Updated: 2012-01-24
Packaged: 2017-11-02 10:41:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/368082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skintightsocks/pseuds/skintightsocks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We were supposed to get each other laid, and now all you want to do is watch Rom-Coms and cuddle on my couch." AKA: Chris and Darren decide to be each other's wingmen, and it doesn't go well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Can Call Me Al

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the song of the same name by Paul Simon. We can never say no to fic about bros, so this... just kind of happened.

 

"Watching you strike out is one of the greatest joys in my life," Chris says, clapping a little when Darren comes slinking back over to the couch Chris is sitting on, sipping his drink.

"I didn't strike out," Darren says, grabbing his beer. "She's gay."

"I know she's gay, that's why I was so delighted when you set your sights on her," Chris says, patting his shoulder. "It's so weird how your gaydar malfunctions when it comes to lesbians."

"She could have been bi," Darren says, slumping down on the sofa. "You don't know."

"Oh, I know," Chris says. He doesn't, but he definitely knows more than Darren. Of this he is sure.

"Stop being so fucking cocky," Darren pouts, elbowing him. "Picking up girls is totally different from picking up guys. It's an entirely different skill set."

"It cannot be that hard," Chris says, rolling his eyes. "Besides, I'm charming, everyone loves me. I could pick up a girl if I wanted."

"I'll give you a hundred dollars and pay our tab if you can pick up a girl in this bar," Darren says, his face lighting up. "I swear it."

"Any girl?" Chris asks, quirking an eyebrow.

"No, I get to pick," Darren says, immediately going over to the rail of the VIP area and staring down at the crowd. "Her," he says immediately, pointing to a leggy redhead.

"Nope," Chris says, grinning as he sees the blond Darren struck out with heading over to her.

"Why not, you can't just fucking veto all my-- _how do you do that_?" Darren asks, breaking off as the blond kisses the redhead in a way that is decidedly more than friendly.

"Talent," Chris says with a shrug, spotting a tiny brunette sipping a beer at the end of the bar. "I pick her," he says, pointing.

"Deal," Darren says, jumping in place a little. "This is going to be hilarious."

Chris just rolls his eyes and hands Darren his drink, heading down the stairs and making his way through the crowd and over to the bar. He slides onto the stool next to the girl and holds out his hand.

"Hi," he says with his best charming smile. "I'm Chris."

"Leslie," she says, quirking an eyebrow at him and holding out her hand. "But aren't you--"

"A wonderful conversation partner who's buying your next drink?" Chris says with a grin. "Yes, yes I am."

-

"How," Darren hisses at him the minute Leslie heads down the stairs to get her purse from the coat check. "How did you do that?"

"I'm charming, I've told you before," Chris says, grinning. Darren looks so absolutely baffled that Chris is tempted to let Darren in on his plan, but then again, his confusion is just so _funny_.

"Ready!" Leslie says, sliding up beside Chris and reaching up on her tip-toes to kiss him on the cheek. Darren gapes.

"Excellent," Chris says, squeezing at her waist. "I told Leslie all about that 24-hour tapas place you love," Chris says, guiding her forward toward Darren and trying not to laugh when his eyes go wide. "She's dying to check it out."

"She is-- you are?" Darren asks, looking at Leslie where she's grabbed onto his arm.

"I am," Leslie says with a laugh. "I have to admit, I don't usually go for guys who send a wingman, but I don't think Chris would steer me wrong."

"He would not," Darren says, catching on, a giant grin spreading over his face. "He's very honorable, that Chris."

"Have fun!" Chris says, pushing gently on Darren's shoulder until he starts to walk. "Remember, try the _gambas_! You'll thank me!"

-

Chris's phone buzzes a few hours later while he's going over revision notes on his bed, and he grins to himself as he reaches for it, knowing exactly who it is.

 _I don't know if I should thank you or refuse to pay up_ , Darren texts.

 _First of all, I paid our tab so you've already gone back on your word, and second, you never said who I was picking her up **for**._ Chris sends back.

 _Guess I'm thanking you then_ , Darren says a minute or two later. _Did not see that coming_.

 _What did you think I was going to do, go pick up some poor girl & then say "whoops I'm gay! Sorry about that, thanks for making me $100." You know I'm classier than that._ Chris sends, rolling his eyes.

 _That's why you get all the ladies ;)_ , Darren texts back, and Chris laughs, rolling his eyes and putting his phone back on the nightstand so he can get back to his computer.

-

Darren walks into the choir room the next day, looking way too smug for someone wearing neon orange pants with a pink polo shirt.

"Good morning!" he says, taking his seat next to Chris and grinning widely.

"You got laid," Lea says, swiveling around in her chair. "You totally got laid."

"I totally did get laid," Darren says happily, holding his hand up to Lea for a high five.

"You're welcome, by the way," Chris says pointedly.

"Wait, what?" Lea says, her eyes going wide. "Did you two do it?"

"Shit, who had this week in the pool?" Mark asks, patting his pockets and pulling out his phone.

"Gross, Lea," Chris says. "We did not have sex, I just picked up a girl for him after he failed miserably at doing it himself."

"Gross?" Darren asks, looking genuinely hurt. "Really, Christopher?"

"Since when do you guys have a _pool_?" Chris asks, ignoring Darren in favor of glaring at Mark.

"It wasn't my idea, I'm just the record holder," Mark says, holding up his hands. "But if you ever want to help me out, I have all of December bought out because people make bad decisions around the holidays."

"Whose idea was it?" Chris asks, looking at Lea to see if she makes her guilty face and narrowing his eyes when she looks away innocently. He pulls out his phone to text Ashley, since she always knows everything even though she's hardly on set anymore.

"What are the rules?" Darren asks. "Does it have to be full out sex or do blowjobs count?"

" _No_ ," Chris says, not bothering to look up from his phone. "Shut up right now or I will never be your wingman again."

 _Did you know there's a pool going about me and Darren hooking up?_ Chris sends to Ashley. It takes 30 seconds, at the most, for him to get a response.

_duh, I started it with lea. you lost me so much money by keeping it in your pants, prude_

Chris rolls his eyes at the screen and then looks up, glaring at Lea. He knew she had something to do with this.

"Why does Darren even need a wingman?" Lea asks, ignoring Chris's glare in favor of smiling sweetly at Mark and not-so-subtly moving behind him. Like Mark could stop him if he really wanted to go after her. "I watch him flirt all the time, he's super good at it."

"He has no follow through," Chris says. "He can't seal the deal. Hit a home run. Get the turkey in the oven."

"First of all, yes I can, and secondly who the fuck says 'get the turkey in the oven,' Chris? Seriously?"

"I don't know, you say weird stuff all the time. I figured it could be a possibility."

"I can so seal the deal," Darren says, crossing his arms and pouting a little. "I can hit the home run and put like ten turkeys in the oven, okay."

"Okay, I see your point, never say that again," Chris says, patting him on the knee.

-

" _What do you want_ ," Chris hisses sleepily into his phone a few nights later when Darren's self-assigned ringtone wakes him up. Now he's going to have _Sexy Back_ in his head when he gets up.

"You were right," Darren says, his voice slurred and miserable. "I can't get the turkey in the oven, Chris."

"What?" Chris asks, blinking up at his ceiling.

"It's just sitting there. On the counter. It could be so hot, and all golden brown and shit, but it's just sitting there raw. No one gets to orgasm when the turkey is raw."

"Wow," Chris says. "Why are you calling me? Go wake up Joey."

"Joey's not here," Darren says sadly. "Joey's probably got a turkey in the oven as we speak."

"I thought we agreed we'd stop using the turkey metaphor," Chris yawns. "I'm sorry you struck out. It was totally her loss. You are virile and sexy and should go to sleep and leave me alone."

"I'm virile?" Darren asks, sounding disproportionately happy. "Fuck yeah, I'm so virile."

"That's right," Chris says patiently, "now go to bed."

"Virily," Darren says. "I'm going to bed virily."

"Verily," Chris says, giggling a little at himself and then hanging up before Darren can say anything else.

-

Chris is just stumbling out of bed the next morning when there's a knock at his door. And then the doorbell rings. And then Darren shouts, "Wake up and let me in." Chris considers ignoring him, but there's the off-chance he can get Darren to make him breakfast and Darren makes pretty great eggs.

"What?" he asks when he opens the door.

"I'm here to proposition you," Darren says, pushing past him. He's still in sweatpants and his hair is going in five different directions and he's got on the biggest sunglasses Chris has ever seen, but he's carrying coffee and donuts, so Chris figures he can humor Darren if he gets food out of it.

"Give me my donuts before you say whatever it is you're going to say," Chris says. Darren smiles at him and hands over the box, and Chris collapses onto his sofa, yawning so loud that his jaw cracks. Darren slumps down beside him and hands over the coffee before opening the box and grabbing a powdered donut.

"You're going to get sugar all over my couch," Chris says, but to be honest he's more concerned with the chocolate covered jelly he sees at the back of the box. Darren, the asshole, waits until he's got a giant mouthful of delicious raspberry jelly and he knows Chris can't respond to start talking.

"So, I want you to be my wingman," Darren says.

"Fwuck ew," Chris says around a mouthful of donut.

"It's rude to talk with food in your mouth," Darren says. "Are you doing this on dates? That's probably why you're not getting laid."

"Fuck. You," Chris enunciates sweetly once he's swallowed. "Why would I help _you_ get laid when _I'm_ not getting laid?"

"That's the beauty of it," Darren says, toeing off his shoes and putting his feet on Chris's coffee table, ignoring Chris's glare. "While you're picking up girls for me, I'll be picking up guys for you."

"And what makes you think you can pick up guys any better than you can pick up girls?" Chris asks, rolling his eyes. Darren gestures at himself while smiling smugly.

"Oh please, you can't get guys just because you're hot," Chris says.

"No, I can get them because I'm hot, and charming, and I give off a vibe that--"

"Makes people think you're super gay and super slutty?" Chris asks.

"Makes people want to get to know me," Darren says, ignoring him. "It's why I made out with so many guys in college, I inspire trust. I'm very open."

"That's what the guys said," Chris mumbles into his donut.

"See? So crass, too," Darren says, gesturing with his donut and flinging powdered sugar everywhere. "You need me."

"I need you to get out of my house," Chris groans.

"Say you'll do it, and I'll go," Darren says, grinning widely at him.

"Will you go _and_ leave the donuts?" Chris asks. There's a eclair at the bottom that is calling his name.

"Can I grab that eclair first?" Darren asks hopefully.

"No," Chris says, grabbing the box and clutching it to his chest. "Don't touch my eclair."

"If you'd let me touch your eclair I wouldn't have to find you a man," Darren says, smirking at him.

"Yeah, and _I'm_ the one who's crass," Chris says, possibly undermining his point by shoving as much of the eclair into his mouth as he can and then handing the very end to Darren.

"Gwah," Chris says, pointing to the door, wincing a little when cream filling dribbles out the corner of his mouth.

"I should just take a picture of this and show it to the guys I'm picking up for you," Darren says, popping the tiny bite of eclair into his mouth and grabbing his shoes before heading for the door.

Chris considers getting in a parting shot but he's still got a mouthful of donut, so he settles for flipping Darren off instead, rolling his eyes when Darren blows him an exaggerated kiss on his way out the door.

-

"So here's the plan," Darren says a few days later when their schedules finally line up enough to attempt what Chris has been mentally been calling Darren's Worst Idea Ever, which says a lot because Darren once thought he could make friends with a mangy stray cat and nearly got rabies. "Are you listening at all?"

"Not really, no," Chris says, fussing with his hair in the lighted passenger side mirror.

"Well start, this is important for you, because you're going first," Darren says.

"Oh god," Chris says, bracing himself.

"I mean, technically you already hooked me up, so I owe you one, right? Now tell me what kind of dudes you're into."

"The kind who can't be picked up by you," Chris says, smiling sweetly at him.

"Tell me, or I'm going to find that one guy who reminds you of your drunk uncle, and you know I can do it because there's one of those guys at every fucking gay bar." He's right. There totally is.

"You know, it's kind of sad that you've spent so much more time in gay bars than me," Chris says, sighing. "But fine. You know my type. Tallish, not too skinny but not too muscular, pretty eyes, big--"

"I don't know if I can find out how big a dude's dick is. I'm good, but I'm not that good."

" _Hands_ ," Chris snaps. "I was going to say big hands."

"Okay, what else?" Darren asks. "You know, personality wise. Is there any kind of vibe you go for? Boy next door? Tall, dark, and handsome?"

"You played too much Mystery Date as a kid, didn't you?" Chris asks.

"I was awesome at that game," Darren says proudly. "Now answer me."

"I don't know," Chris says, shrugging. "I guess I like my guys kind of... adventurous? Maybe a little dangerous, but in a sexy way, not a serial killer way."

"Dude, no," Darren says, his eyes going wide. "Chris, no, trust me, you do not want to go looking for 'adventurous' guys. That is how you end up with a fist in your ass."

"Please don't tell me," Chris says desperately. "Do not tell me."

"Not me," Darren says quickly. "A friend."

"Just like it was your 'friend' who ended up tied to a table in women's underwear that time?" Chris asks. That's the kind of story you never forget. Chris knows, because he's tried.

"No, I'm being serious this time," Darren says, pulling into the parking lot of the club. "It really did happen to a friend of mine, not me. The most I've ever had in my ass was--"

"Okay," Chris says. "Okay, that's enough. Let's do this before I lose my nerve."

"Speaking of asses, though, a nice ass is a requirement, right?" Darren asks, a smirk playing at his lips when he adds, "I've seen you looking."

"Only because Lea and I are trying to gather data to see how often you wear underwear when you're not in costume," Chris says with a shrug. "Speaking of, last Tuesday--"

"Commando," Darren says with a happy smile, pulling into a parking space. "Now come on, Colfer. Let's get you laid."

-

Apparently, getting him laid mostly involves Darren talking animatedly to guy after guy while Chris sips his drink on the balcony. As far as Chris can tell, he's striking out pretty righteously, most of the guys just smiling awkwardly or clapping him on the shoulder and then walking away. Chris wants to gloat, but mostly he wants to get laid and he's pretty sure he could do better _without_ Darren's help.

He's just about to go pull Darren away from the seemingly baffled tall guy in glasses when the tall guy puts his hand on Darren's shoulder and leads him away from the bar. Huh. Maybe Darren wasn't overestimating his skills after all. Chris shrugs and arranges himself artfully on the nearest couch, just in case Darren actually brings the guy back. He was pretty cute, from what Chris could see.

It takes Darren exactly two songs to show back up, and Chris nearly chokes on his drink when he gets a look at him. Darren's rumpled, his hair sticking out in different directions and his shirt half untucked, and Chris just raises an eyebrow at him and waits.

"I think he may have gotten the wrong idea," Darren says sheepishly. "At first people just kept congratulating me for being so in love with you--"

Chris snorts. "Darren, what did you _say_?"

"Just the usual stuff. Funny, smart, handsome, eyes you could lose yourself in, how you're the kind of guy you want to settle down with somewhere and raise dogs or possibly babies--"

"Oh god," Chris says, slumping back onto the couch. "What is wrong with you."

"But anyway, that guy seemed really interested and I was taking him up here but then he kind of detoured us and pressed me against a speaker. I still can't really hear out of my right ear."

"So you just let him make out with you?" Chris asks, rolling his eyes.

"It seemed kind of rude not to, since he had already started and everything," Darren says with a shrug. "Besides, I liked the song that was playing and I stopped him before he got to second base."

"Well of course," Chris says. "It's good to have boundaries. God, how on earth did you end up hooking up while trying to hook me up? This is hopeless."

"It is not," Darren says, grabbing Chris's wrist and tugging him up off the sofa. "Because I have a new strategy. Now come with me."

"No," Chris says, trying to dig his heels in. "No, first you tell me the plan. The whole plan. You leave nothing out."

"I'll buy you another drink if you just go with me," Darren says, smiling imploringly at him.

"Ugh, fine," Chris says, draining the last of his and setting the empty glass down. "Stop smiling at me like that, people are going to think you're my boyfriend again."

-

People still think Darren's his boyfriend. Darren's bright idea had been to take Chris with him ("You know, show off the merchandise," he had said with a wink) which was an entire new level of humiliation that Chris had no idea existed.

"And look at those eyes," Darren said, throwing his arm up around Chris's shoulder. "Couldn't you just stare into them for hours?"

"I hate you," Chris hisses, before turning to the poor guy who's sipping his beer and looking at them with wide eyes. "I'm sorry, my friend's just--"

"No need for that here," the guy says, clapping Chris on the shoulder. "You're among friends. He's your boyfriend, and you two are obviously very in love, so I'm just gonna..." he trails off, quickly turning around and heading off into the crowd.

"Why does this keep happening?" Darren asks, dropping his head to Chris's shoulder and wrapping his arms around Chris's waist.

"Probably because you keep molesting me while telling people that I'm an inspiration and you're lucky to know me and sometimes you think sexual things about my lips," Chris says, pointedly removing Darren's hand from his waist.

"Well _sometimes_ I do," Darren says, shrugging. "Ooh, look at him," he says, nudging Chris's shoulder and glancing at the very tall, very broad, and very hot guy heading toward them. Chris is tempted to just tell Darren to go away and let him handle this, but then Very Hot Guy sits down at the stool next to them and before he can say anything, Darren's angled his body towards him and is giving the Very Hot Guy his best flirty smile.

"Hi," he says, holding out his hand. "I'm Darren, and this attractive fellow to my left is Chris."

"Jason," Very Hot Guy says, and Chris has got to stop calling him Very Hot Guy _now_ before he actually says it out loud. "Nice to meet you," he says, shaking Darren's hand and smiling at Chris over Darren's shoulder.

"You're very tall," Darren says. "Chris _loves_ tall guys." Chris very covertly grinds his heel down on Darren's foot, but he is seemingly undeterred.

"Is that right?" Jason says, giving Chris a once over. "And what about you?" he asks, turning back to Darren. "What do _you_ like?"

"Oh, I like everything," Darren says brightly, "but mostly I like Chris. He is an inspirational human being, did you know that?" Chris grinds his heel on top of Darren's foot again. He's starting to realize why Darren's been having so much trouble, if this is how he's approaching guys.

"I did not," Jason says, looking a little confused. "But that's... awesome, I guess?"

"It sure is," Darren says. "He's incredible. Almost _too_ incredible. Practically too much for one guy to handle, you know what I mean?"

"Oh, I think I do," Jason says slowly, smirking at them both. Chris cringes once he realizes what Jason thinks.

"That's, ah, not what he meant," he says, trying to save them all the awkwardness.

"Of course that's what he meant. Your boyfriend is very cute but he's not very subtle."

"He's not my boyfriend," Chris mumbles, reaching for his drink.

"Hey, that's cool with me. I don't really do commitment, you know? I'm more into fun. I think we could all have a lot of fun." Jason's practically leering at this point.

"Oh," Darren says suddenly, looking at Chris with wide eyes. " _Oh_."

"Yeah," Chris says, rolling his eyes and standing up. "Come on, you are officially fired. Let's go before you end up talking us into an orgy."

"So that's a no, then?" Jason calls after them as Chris hauls Darren back toward the stairs.

"I'll take one for the team if you want to go for it," Darren says, giving Chris an up-and-down. "I could do worse."

"Please shut up," Chris says desperately. "Please."

-

"We should just go home," Chris says mournfully, poking at the melting ice in his rum and diet coke. "I'm pretty sure all the hot guys have paired up already for the night."

"No way, quitter, there's tons of hot guys left. What about him? In the grey hoodie?"

Chris squints. "Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought or that guy looks _exactly_ like Cory. No way."

"Oh, weird, he totally does. Does Cory usually go to gay bars?" Darren's leaning away from the bar to try and get a better look and Chris grabs his sleeve when Darren's stool tilts back too far, almost sending him crashing to the ground.

Darren looks at Chris with big, sad eyes. "You just saved my life and I still haven't found you a man. Shit, no, I can do this. Let's go get you some ass, I have this great plan where--"

Chris holds his fingers up to Darren's mouth, frowning. "No. No more plans. You hide behind me while _I_ do the talking and pick up the man. And if you say anything about my eyes, I swear to god, I will--"

"Hottie at six o'clock, go get him, tiger!" Darren says pushing at Chris's shoulders until he turns around.

"What? What's six o'clock? What are you even--"

"In the vest," Darren says. "He's, like, where the hands on a clock would point if it was six, it's-- do you not know how clocks work?"

"Oh, I have that vest!" Chris says. "I got it at Target."

"There you go, instant conversation starter, now let's get you laid!"

"No," Chris says, turning back around to glare at him. "I will get me laid. You will stand behind me and _say nothing_."

"Fine," Darren says. "Let's see how good you do."

"Let's see how _well_ I do," Chris corrects mindlessly, already sizing up the guy leaning against the bar. He's handsome, a little taller than Chris is with really great hair, and the vest is _really_ doing him some favors.

"Nice vest," Chris says, sliding in against the bar and giving the guy his best smile.

"Thanks!" the guy says happily. "I got it at Target, but don't tell anyone. People get weirdly judgy when I tell them that."

"I know the feeling," Chris says, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, why pay $300 for something when you get it for $30 at Target?"

"Exactly!" Vest Guy says, turning toward Chris and grinning. "I'm Nick."

"Chris," he says, holding out his hand. Nick has nice hands. "So, what do you do when you're bargain hunting at the Tar-jeh?"

"I'm a yoga instructor," he says. "What about you?"

"Oh, I do a little bit of everything," Chris says, trying to laugh it off. Nick doesn't seem to recognize him, so he doesn't want to ruin it or make things awkward.

"A man of mystery, huh?" Nick says, leaning in closer to Chris and resting a hand on his arm. Chris has totally got this on lockdown. Or at least he thinks he does, until he notices that Nick keeps glancing over Chris's shoulder and furrowing his eyebrows, and it takes Chris a second to remember that Darren's still lurking creepily behind him. "And what does your... friend? What does your friend do?"

"Ruins my life, mostly," Chris says airily, laughing. "He was just leaving. Weren't you, Darren?"

"Totally just leaving," Darren says, bouncing on the balls of his feet. " _Yoga instructor_ ," Darren whispers into his ear. "I'll give you $100 if you manage to make a downward facing dog joke when you fuck him."

" _Go away_ ," Chris hisses. Darren raises his eyebrows exaggeratedly at him, and Chris lets out a relieved breath as Darren turns and starts to walk away.

"Wait!" Nick says suddenly. "Wait, I have to ask, or it's going to drive me crazy. Do I know you somewhere?" he asks, looking Darren up and down. Chris's eyes narrow.

"Oh, yeah, um, Glee," Darren says, rubbing at the back of his head and completely ruining Chris's cover.

"No, that's not it, I don't watch that show," Nick says, waving his hand. Chris is torn between grateful and offended. "I'm, like, 90% sure I've seen you in porn."

"What," Chris yelps out before he can help himself. "No. No. You did _not_ see him in porn, I promise."

"No, no, I swear I did," Nick says. "It's the eyes."

"There's no way," Chris says. "I would know if he did porn." He glares at Darren, who is just standing there shuffling awkwardly and not telling Nick how wrong he-- "Oh my god, tell me you did not do porn," Chris says.

"It wasn't _really_ porn," Darren says.

"That's it!" Nick says, clapping his hands excitedly. "You were in those tickle videos! That's it! Man, you have no idea how many times I've--"

"Oh my god," Chris says, interrupting him before he can get that mental image and grinning delightedly at Darren. "You did porn. You did _tickle_ porn."

"I can't believe it, how random is this?" Nick asks, staring intently at Darren. "You know, you were always my favorite. Any chance you'd be up for a... private performance?"

"Don't do it," Chris says quickly. "There's no way it won't end up online, you can't trust a guy who jerks off to tickling videos."

"Don't knock it until you've tried it," Nick says with a shrug. "Charlie Chuckles was a big deal for a while, before they took all his videos down."

"Charlie... Charlie Chuckles," Chris says breathlessly, trying his best not to start giggling. "Of course. Of course I'm getting cockblocked by someone who called himself Charlie Chuckles and did _tickling porn_."

"It wasn't really porn, again, it was just vaguely homoerotic tickling," Darren insists.

"That guys jerked off to," Chris says. "Is there any chance you remember the name of those videos? Or a website? Nothing's ever really gone on the internet, and I know _lots_ of people who would love to see them," he says, giving Nick his most charming smile.

"Don't answer that!" Darren says quickly, his eyes going almost comically wide. "Chris you _wouldn't_."

"Wouldn't I?" Chris asks, grinning at Darren. He wouldn't, but Darren doesn't need to know that. The look of utter fear on Darren's face almost makes up for the fact that he's not getting laid tonight. He could probably still work something out with Nick, but there's no way he's sleeping with someone who jerks off to tickling.

-

When Chris wakes up the next morning, he has a weird moment where he's sure he somehow fell asleep with his Chewbacca backpack on. Then Chewie starts snoring, and Chris goans and throws an elbow back, catching Darren in the ribs. Darren yelps and jumps up, looking wildly around the room for a second before he seems to realize where he is and slumps back down on the bed.

"Why are you in my bed?" Chris asks, rubbing at his eyes.

"Because we made love," Darren yawns, and Chris finds himself yawning back. "It was beautiful."

"We did not, or else I would have woken up feeling horribly ashamed of myself," Chris says, letting his head flop back down onto his pillow.

"Fine, I didn't want to drive home and your guestroom was lonely," Darren says, snuggling back under the covers and nuzzling his face against Chris's shoulder.

"Don't cuddle me when we're both in our underwear," Chris groans, swatting at his head. "You really need to learn what the boundaries of friendship are."

"A true friendship has no boundaries," Darren says, cuddling closer.

"You're only getting away with this because I'm still tired," Chris says, yanking some of the covers away from Darren. "And when I wake back up you're taking me to IHOP and buying me 'Sorry my weird tickle porn cockblocked you' pancakes."

"Only if you let me spoon you again," Darren says, and Chris can feel his stupid smirk where his lips are pressed against Chris's arm. "I like being the big spoon."

"Wait until I fall back asleep, and promise we never have to talk about it," Chris mumbles sleepily. He _really_ wants those pancakes.

-

"If I get you breakfast every day, can I move in?" Darren asks, stealing another strawberry from Chris's strawberry pancakes and sucking his fingers into his mouth loudly. "I make a mean piece of toast."

"I'm sure you do," Chris says, swatting at Darren's hand when he tries to steal more food despite having a half-full plate of his own food in front of him. "But no, no way. I know Joey's going on tour soon and you just don't want to be stuck home alone. I will not be your replacement Joey. You'll be fine on your own, just don't iron anything."

Darren huffs. "You wouldn't be my replacement Joey, you're way too judgmental and clean for that. I'm just a social creature. I need people to talk to."

"And cuddle? And _tickle_?" Chris asks, smiling around his piece of bacon. He hid the bacon in a napkin in his lap after the first time Darren tried to steal a piece.

"Fuck you, cuddling is an essential part of human relationships. And I'm not even talking to you about tickling right now," Darren says, and they both look up when their waiter clears his throat a second later.

"Is there anything else I can get you?" he asks slowly, and Chris shakes his head as Darren gives the waiter a flirty smile and says no thank you.

"Stop that," Chris hisses.

Darren raises his eyebrows, poking at his eggs. "What? Being polite?"

"Flirting with everything that has a pulse," Chris says. "We really need to get you laid, so you'll stop trying to become my live-in cuddle buddy. It's not healthy. It's like emotional transference or something."

"That's ridiculous," Darren says, reaching out and taking his hand. "I just really like spending time with you, and your bed is very comfortable, and you look really fucking cute when you wake up in the morning."

"This is what I'm talking about," Chris says, patting Darren's hand and then pulling his own away. "These are not thoughts you have about your friends. These are thoughts you have about your girlfriend, or friend with benefits, or one night stand, if you're so inclined."

"You're being very narrow-minded," Darren says, completely missing the point and plucking another strawberry off of Chris's plate. "Besides, I still haven't found you a guy."

"That's okay," Chris says, taking a bite of bacon. "I don't need to find out you did, like, clown porn in the past or something."

"Hey," Darren says, patting his hair self-consciously. "I never did clown porn. Although one time I did dress up as a clown and-- oof. Mmmtankyu," he says, smiling happily around the piece of bacon Chris just shoved in his mouth. It was really good bacon, too, but the sacrifice is worth it. There are some things he really does not need to know.

Darren waits until he's done chewing and fixes Chris with a considering look. "So we're finding me a lady this time."

"We can only hope," Chris says, arching an eyebrow when Darren reaches across the table to swipe his thumb over the corner of Chris's mouth and then drawing his hand back, sucking his thumb into his mouth. "Seriously?"

"What? You had some strawberry right here." Darren sticks his tongue out to show Chris where.

"You _really_ need to get laid," Chris says, and their waiter is clearing his throat again, holding the check.

"Um--"

"I'll pay for this one, honey," Darren says, winking at Chris and taking the check from the waiter. Chris kicks him under the table.

-

"You're not wearing that," Chris says, pushing past Darren when he answers the door in an ironic t-shirt and jeans that, while doing awesome things for his ass, look like they're from 1996.

"Why not?" Darren asks. "I don't want to get too fancy, I'll look like I'm trying to hard."

"I'm not saying you should wear a tux," Chris says, heading straight for Darren's bedroom. "But you're not wearing a shirt with ninjas on it."

"I can't believe you, of all people, would knock a ninja shirt," Darren says, following him into the bedroom. "It's like I don't know you at all."

"There's a time and a place," Chris says. "Now take it off."

"I've had dreams like this," Darren says, wiggling his eyebrows. "You in my bedroom, demanding that I take off all my clothes..."

"Who hasn't," Joey says, stopping in the doorway. He's eating a sandwich that's about as tall as Darren, and Chris is pretty impressed. "Are you two still doing that weird wingman thing?"

"Told you it was weird," Chris tells Darren before opening his closet. "And yes."

"Has he actually scored anyone for you?" Joey asks, wandering in and sitting down on Darren's bed. "He used to be good at it in college, but that was more accidental than actual skill."

"Whatever," Darren says, crossing his arms over his bare chest. "I'm the reason you're not a virgin."

"You should tell me that story," Chris says, thumbing through hanger after hanger of old t-shirts and unfortunate vests. "Especially if you mean you're _directly_ responsible." Joey starts to laugh so hard he chokes on a bite of his sandwich.

"No, no, it's just he always had tons of girl friends with obvious crushes and he'd just sit around and talk about fucking _Mulan_ and the beauty of the night sky and shit, and they'd eventually get frustrated and give up. It was the perfect in. All I had to do was talk about what a jerk Darren was--"

"Fuck you, dickbag," Darren says. "I'm not a jerk because I didn't immediately jump into bed with every girl I knew."

"Whatever, I'm not complaining, it worked out well for me," Joey says with a shrug. "No _Mulan_ , though. Chris? No _Mulan_ ," Joey says.

"Don't worry," Chris says, pulling out a button down and a decent vest. "I'll do all the talking, and all he has to do is not fuck it up."

"Godspeed," Joey says, saluting with his sandwich as he gets off the bed and heads for the door.

"Here," Chris says, handing the clothes over to Darren. "Where do you keep your sluttiest jeans?"

"Back of the closet, but not the black ones, I literally can't breathe in those," Darren says. "So hey, what are you going to tell the girls?"

"Hmm?" Chris asks, spotting a hanger with a few scarves and reaching for the purple one.

"You know, my talking points. I'm assuming handsome and charming are in the mix, but you should work in some fun facts too."

"Maybe I'll tell them about that time you were tied to a bed in women's underwear," Chris says, tossing a pair of dark wash jeans at Darren.

"No," Darren says, shimmying out of his jeans and starting the slow process of wiggling into the tighter ones. "I was thinking more like, 'He's fluent in six languages, and one of them is snuggles,'" Darren says, huffing as he tugs the jeans over his hips.

"I am not saying that," Chris says, rolling his eyes.

"You could say cuddles instead," Darren suggests. "Or maybe oral sex."

"No," Chris says, holding the scarf up to Darren's shirt after he's gotten his jeans buttoned. "Here, wear this."

"But it's not even cold," Darren says, sounding confused.

"It's an accessory," Chris says slowly.

"But what if my neck gets hot?"

"Why do I even try?" Chris sighs, wrapping the scarf around his own neck instead. "I'm keeping this as a stylist's fee, now come on. And don't wear those brown shoes, either."

-

"The bar here is awesome, I can't believe I've never been here before," Darren yells near Chris's ear, and Chris winces, hoping it'll be quieter upstairs.

"Yeah, you maybe don't want to spend the entire night sitting at the bar, Darren. When you get smashed you tend to talk about Avatar and Dumbledore and, like, nothing else."

"They're good topics," Darren says defensively, and Chris drags Darren up the stairs, hiding his smile. There's a pretty awesome VIP area at this bar and Chris is not above using that to impress the ladies. First he has to _find_ the ladies, though, so he walks over to the railing and pushes the sheer curtains away, staring down at the crowd.

"The girl in the purple shirt is really hot," Darren says, pressing himself to Chris's side and pointing. It takes Chris a second, but then he spots who Darren is talking about and rolls his eyes.

"She is, and I'm sure her girlfriend thinks so too."

"What? Stop fucking with me," Darren says, frowning.

"Is this a joke? Darren, she's _gay_ ," he says, gently elbowing Darren so he'll pay attention and stop pouting. "Look, that other girl's hand is _actually_ up her skirt. Come on."

"Do you keep bringing me to lesbian bars on purpose?" Darren asks sadly. "Is that what this is? All some cruel joke?"

"No, you just have some uncanny ability to seek out lesbians, apparently," Chris says, rolling his eyes. "If only I were a girl, then you might actually be useful." Darren cocks his head, glancing up and down Chris's body, and it takes him a second to catch on. "Oh, gross," he yelps, punching Darren's arm. "Do not picture me as a girl. That's crossing like ten lines at once, I'm pretty sure."

"You'd be pretty hot, though," Darren says, shrugging.

"What about her?" Chris asks, pointedly ignoring him. "Over there at the end of the bar, with the short brown hair and the blue dress."

"She's straight, right?" Darren asks cautiously. "This isn't a trick question?"

"Not even I am good enough to convince a lesbian to have sex with you, Darren, now focus," Chris says. "Yes or no?"

"Definite yes," Darren says, nodding appreciatively. "Make this happen."

"Hold on, pervert," Chris says. "There's an art to this. I have to figure out who my character's going to be."

"Your... character? Why do you need a character?" Darren sounds vaguely worried.

"It helps," Chris says. "Don't worry, I've got a whole list I've been keeping since I agreed to this, I'm not just going to wing it. Now do you think I should be your brother, the childhood friend you heroically pulled from the railroad tracks, risking your own life to save mine, or your butler?"

"My-- what... no, Chris," Darren says, his eyes wide. "No, you cannot be my butler."

"So brother or friend?" Chris asks, impatient.

"Don't be a character," Darren says. "I am begging you. You're _supposed_ to just wing it. That's why it's called a wingman."

"Actually, I'm pretty sure that's not--"

"Just be Chris," Darren interrupts, voice hilariously stern. "Do what you did last time, that worked perfectly."

"Yeah, but it wasn't a challenge," Chris says. "I want to feel like I worked for it."

"You are so fucking weird," Darren mumbles, shaking his head. "You can be my friend. Chris. Who does not come up with any crazy characters and scare away girls."

"Who says they'd be scared away?" Chris asks, glaring at him. He's starting to get a little mad. He worked out a pretty elaborate backstory for Nathan, the boy Darren saved from the train tracks. They were in little league together, and both loved dogs, and Darren knew about Nathan's dreams to one day walk from coast to coast with only the clothes on his back. It's why he risked everything to save him.

"Stop it," Darren says. "Stop it, motherfucker, you look _terrifying_ right now, stop thinking up characters."

"You can prove nothing," Chris says. He's not giving Darren the satisfaction of knowing he was right. "Now, I'll be right back, cute brunette in tow."

-

It doesn't exactly go as well as Chris was hoping. The cute brunette in the blue dress apparently hates Glee and hates Kurt and tells him all about it the second he says hello. The next girl, a blond who's almost as tall as him with distractingly large boobs, only wants to talk about her modeling career. The third girl starts out okay but quickly nosedives when she asks him if his friend would be into a little light watersports.

Chris isn't actually sure if he's lying or not when he says no and politely excuses himself.

There's only one thing to do, really, and that is to ignore Darren's explicit wishes and do things his way.

-

"I can't believe you saved his life," Anna says, grabbing Darren's arm and leaning into his side on the couch.

"I did... I did," Darren says, shooting Chris a glare.

"And from a _bear_ ," she says, blinking up at him. "You must have been so brave."

"A bear," Darren says. "I... saved him from a-- okay, I can't do this. I did not save him from a bear. He made that up."

"What?" Anna says, turning to Chris. "Why would you make that up?"

"It was more interesting than 'Hi, do you want to sleep with my friend Darren?' wasn't it?" Chris says. He doesn't understand why everyone's having trouble getting this.

"Is that what you've been asking all the girls?" Darren groans, dropping his head to his hands.

" _All_ the girls, huh?" Anna says, glaring at both of them. "Please tell me no one's fallen for this."

"No," Darren says sadly. "No, they haven't. If it helps, I was against lying from the start."

"It wasn't lying, it was storytelling," Chris points out. "I was playing a character."

"Chris, please stop talking," Darren says.

"Oh no, feel free to continue," Anna says, standing up and heading for the stairs. "I hope you two have a wonderful time with your weird roleplaying tag team adventures."

"Great job," Darren mumbles. "Really, just great."

"It could have worked," Chris says, draining the rest of his drink. He can't actually remember how many drinks he's had so far, but he doesn't want to sleep with Darren yet so he's probably good. "Give me one more shot, I'm going to tell someone you're a virgin who's good at taking instructions and looking to move up in the world."

"No. You are absolutely not going to do that, under any circumstances."

"I didn't get to try out the butler thing either," Chris says.

Darren groans, sinking back into the couch. "Chris. No. Is this payback? Is this payback for me not finding you a guy?"

"It didn't start that way," Chris says with a shrug. "I really did try at first, but I kept striking out so I figured I had nothing left to lose."

"Except my chances of getting laid and possibly my reputation," Darren sighs, taking a sip of his beer.

"You should be nicer to me," Chris says. "Or I'll go find the girl who wanted to pee on you."

"I-- what?" Darren says, tilting his head. Chris just arches an eyebrow at him.

"You heard what I said."

-

Chris wakes up to something - no, wait, that's definitely a someone - rising and falling softly under his cheek and a warm hand stroking up and down his back. He burrows closer into the squishy warmth that smells pretty nice, if a bit booze-y, and Darren laughs into his hair, rubbing slow circles at Chris's lower back.

"Oh, how the tables have turned," Darren says obnoxiously, and Chris wonders how long he's been awake, yawning into Darren's chest and letting his feet stretch out under the covers, toes curling.

"Shh, five more minutes," Chris mumbles, tightening the arm he has thrown over Darren's stomach.

"Come on, like I'm ever going to get a chance to enjoy you initiating cuddles again. Why are you so clingy, anyway? Did we do it last night?"

"Ugh, shut up, you're ruining this," Chris groans. He really hopes they didn't do it, but he's in nothing but his underwear again so it's hard to know for sure. Darren laughs quietly and strokes up his back again, rubbing at his shoulders, and Chris lets out an embarrassingly pleased groan and stretches again, arching up into Darren's hand.

"You're like a cat," Darren says. "Your hair's all fluffy too, you should see if you can purr."

"How about I see if I can scratch instead," Chris groans.

"Dirty," Darren says, sounding impressed. "Maybe we _did_ have sex last night, you're being nicer than usual and my thighs are sore."

"Your thighs are sore because you tried to prove to me that you could do that Russian knee twirling thing," Chris says, relieved when the memory comes back to him. He was starting to worry. "You can't, by the way, and you broke my coffee table."

"Sorry dude," Darren says, stretching out beneath him and pressing his cold toes on top of Chris's feet. "You're warm. Let's just stay here all day."

"Darren, you realize we're not actually dating, right? I don't normally have day-long cuddle parties in my bed with my friends."

"Liar," Darren says around a yawn. "Lea cuddles and tells."

-

Darren definitely doesn't realize they're not actually dating. They're pretty busy with shooting for the next two weeks, and it seems like every time they get a break Darren wants to hang out. Chris has shot down his dinner, lunch, movie, play, and _roller skating_ invitations. Not that it's exactly deterred Darren.

"Let's go bowling," he says, sitting down beside Chris in the choir room chairs and throwing his arm over his shoulder.

"No," Chris says, sighing. "Once again, we're not da--"

"I know we're not dating, okay," Darren huffs. "I just want to go bowling with my friend. Mark and Chord go bowling all the time, and they're not dating."

"Mark and Chord are in a bowling league called Balls Out, so I'd say that point is debatable."

"Christopher Colfer, why do you hurt me so?" Darren asks, dropping his head on Chris's shoulder and blinking up at him obnoxiously.

"Because you're losing sight of the mission, remember?" Chris says. "We were supposed to get each other laid, and now all you want to do is watch Rom-Coms and cuddle on my couch."

"Well yeah, but the whole wingman thing wasn't really working out. I was adapting, man," Darren says defensively.

"Just go out with him," Lea says, rolling her eyes. "You two are ignoring the obvious. If you both want to get laid and Darren wants to marry you, just sleep with each other."

"Darren's... Darren," Chris says, ignoring the way Darren's nuzzling into his arm. "Besides his continued insistence that he's straight, I'm not going to sleep with someone I work with. That would just be messy and not worth it. Too many feelings."

"Feelings are the best part!" Lea says. "Besides, don't act like you're above it. You've had boyfriends," she says, patting Chris's shoulder as she gets out of her seat and heads over to Jenna.

"You have?" Darren asks, looking surprised. "Maybe that's the problem. We don't have enough intel about each other."

"I know that you were so excited the first time you went to Disneyland that you peed your pants in front of Cinderella," Chris reminds him. "What more do I need to know?"

"Okay fine, then _I_ don't have enough intel on you," Darren says. "You're a man of mystery. How many boyfriends have you had?"

"One or two," Chris says, shrugging. "But that has nothing to do with hooking me up."

"Yes it does," Darren says impatiently. "Now which is it, one or two?"

"Two, probably," Chris says. "I've had one actual boyfriend and two one night stands, and two one night stands equals one boyfriend, right?"

Darren actually seems to think about it for a second. "Yeah, that seems logical."

"No it doesn't," Dianna says, turning around in her seat and raising her eyebrows. "What is wrong with you two?"

"She's right, that's not how it works at all," Mark says. "You have to know if you really had a one night stand or just a hookup, because two hookups equal one one night stand, so two one night stands equals four hookups, which means you've had like... one and a half boyfriends?" Mark asks, his face scrunching up like he just confused himself.

"Well, okay," Chris says, nodding at Dianna. "I now see how ridiculous that sounded, and I apologize."

"Never apologize for getting your swerve on," Mark tells him, patting him on the shoulder. "I'm proud of you."

"Well now I just feel dirty," Chris says sadly. He isn't even sure if he wants to know what his 'swerve' is.

"Hey," Darren says, leaning in to whisper while Dianna and Mark argue over what the definition of 'one night stand' is. "Aren't you going to ask me how many boyfriends _I've_ had?"

"I'm going to ask you to shut up now, actually." Chris just smiles when Darren pouts at him.

"Okay, so Jenna and I conferred, and you two are giant idiots who are doing it all wrong," Lea says, coming back over and sitting down in Chris's lap.

"Hello again to you too," Chris says, rolling his eyes when Lea completely ignores him.

"I know for a fact that Ashley is constantly finding you choice little theater boys and Disney actors, and you keep turning them down because you're dumb."

"That's not why I turn them down," Chris sighs.

"Wait, you're turning down _Disney boys_?" Darren asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Holy shit, did she ever try to set you up with Zac Efron?" Mark asks excitedly. "Because if you turned that down we can't be friends anymore."

"No," Chris says. "And I turn them down because Ashley keeps trying to hook me up with her friends and people she works with, and that's a recipe for disaster when things end."

"Why do you automatically assume things are going to end?" Darren asks. "What if one of Ashley's cute little theater boys or Disney princes is your soulmate?"

"You are so adorable," Lea says, leaning forward and kissing Darren's forehead. "The point is, I know that you have all these weird rules about things, but what if you just let Ashley wingman for you at the clubs? Then there's no attachment. Besides, she obviously knows what you like. I've seen some of those boys she brings around, I'm surprised you don't just jump them and think about the consequences later."

"Your base idea isn't a bad one," Chris says, resting his head on her shoulder. "I'm totally ignoring everything else you said, but that might work." He kind of doesn't know how he didn't think of it before. It stands to reason that Ashley's cute gay boy sonar could come in handy beyond her immediate circle of friends.

"Exactly," Lea says. "So you're going to let Ashley hook you up this weekend, and I'm going to take Darren out and get _him_ some ass, and then you two can stop your weird little sex games."

"They're not sex games, oh my _god_ ," Chris groans, pushing at Lea's hip until she gets out of his lap. "Don't bring your fantasy life into this."

"If I was bringing my fantasy life into this, I wouldn't be selflessly offering to help," Lea says sweetly, patting him on the cheek. "Now, you get Ashley on the phone and let's make a game plan."

-

"Holy crap, how are you coming here and not getting laid? It's like a candy store full of hot gay guys," Ashley says almost as soon as they walk into the club. "This is going to be so easy, you'll probably be having sex within the hour."

"Shh," Chris hisses. "I don't want everyone to know I'm here just to hook up."

"Honey, _everyone's_ here to hook up," Ashley says, patting his arm. "No one's going to be shocked that you're trawling for ass, I promise."

"You always know how to make things sound so special," Chris says, looking around. There's a really cute guy dancing on a table in the corner, but he's also wearing cowboy boots, so Chris unfortunately rules him out.

"Uh-uh," Ashley says, snapping her fingers to get his attention. "We have an agreement. You are are going to go get me a drink and then sit your fine little ass down while I bring the boys to you. Trust me, this is not going to be difficult. Why stop at one anyway? I could easily get you a threesome. Maybe a foursome. How many people do you need for an orgy?"

"Just the one guy, please," Chris says quickly when she starts muttering something about the difference between a gangbang and an orgy. "And please do not say the word gangbang to anyone you're trying to hook me up with."

"Where's your sense of adventure," Ashley sighs, patting him on the cheek. "You'll never know if you like gangbangs until you try one."

"She's right," says a ridiculously chiseled-looking guy who's walking past. "And for the record, I'm in favor." He winks at Chris before he disappears back into the crowd, and Ashley claps her hands.

"This is going to be a piece of cake," she says, darting in to kiss Chris's cheek before she smirks at him and heads into the crowd.

-

Chris has been sitting in the VIP area for almost an hour and has had two Shirley Temples and a Mai Tai out of pure boredom by the time Ashley finally gets back, but he takes one look at the guy following her up the steps and decides that she could have been gone for four hours and he'd still forgive her on the spot. He looks older than Chris, not that that's hard, with dark hair and dark eyes and a stubble covered jaw that is just doing the most amazing things to Chris's brain.

"Hello, gorgeous," she says, sitting down on the opposite end of the padded booth and patting the middle seat until the hot guy sits down in the middle. "Christopher, this is Gabriel," she says. "Gabriel, Christopher." Gabriel holds his hand out and Chris shakes it, caught between flushing and smirking as Gabriel gives him an obvious once over.

"Nice to meet you," Chris says, making sure to give him the smile that makes him look the least like he's twelve-years-old. He may or may not have been practicing in the mirror for a while.

"Gabriel is a model," Ashley says, not even trying to hide the pride in her voice. "He did fashion week in Madrid last year."

"Did you?" Chris asks, shooting Ashley a grin. "Are you from Spain?"

"Sometimes," Gabriel says, still looking at Chris intently enough to make him actually want to blush. "I'm from a lot of places."

"Aren't you just?" Ashley says delightedly. "Anyway, I _just_ remembered I have to be up crazy early tomorrow for an audition, so I'll leave you two here to talk. Or dance. Or do whatever it is you'd like to do. Christopher?" Chris gets up reluctantly, following Ashley over to the edge of the steps.

"I told him you go by Christopher. He's 28, so I figured it sounded more mature than just Chris. He says he's a full time model but I heard him talking to his friend about having tomorrow off from Starbucks and wanting to hook up tonight while I was staking him out, so I'm guessing the more accurate description would be model-slash-barista. Not that it matters, because, just, look at him. _Damn_. Did I get you the cream of the crop or what?"

"He does seem very... creamy," Chris says, already distracted by the looks Gabriel keeps shooting at him.

"You can tell me all about it tomorrow," Ashley says, patting him on the ass and turning to head down the stairs. "You two have fun."

-

Chris isn't sure if fun is the word. It's more like they're having... intensity. Not that Chris is complaining - he's really enjoying being objectified, to be honest, but he's had about enough of grinding against Gabriel on the dance floor while he kisses Chris's neck and says random things in Spanish. Chris is considering sucking it up and being the one to make the move when a tall blond guy comes over and taps Gabriel on the shoulder, whispering something in his ear before heading off with a muscled bald guy.

"Everything okay?" Chris asks. He's going to set something on fire if he just stumbled into the middle of someone's relationship drama.

"I guess it depends," Gabriel says, leaning in to whisper in his ear and sliding his hand to rest low on Chris's back, pressing his hips forward. "That was my roommate. He wants the apartment tonight."

"That's not a problem," Chris says, turning his head to the side when Gabriel kisses down his neck, stubble scratching at his skin. Chris doesn't even think before saying, "I have my own place."

"Is that you inviting me back to it?" Gabriel asks, rolling his hips down. He's just hard enough that Chris can feel him through his pants, and Chris forgets to respond in favor of dragging Gabriel toward the exit. He figures that's clear enough, when it comes down to it.

-

Chris wakes up to stubble scratching at his shoulder, and he's just about to turn over and push Darren off of him when he remembers last night all in one blurry, sexy rush, and instead he cuddles back against Gabriel, grinning to himself when Gabriel's cock digs into the small of his back. "Good morning to me," Chris sings happily to himself, and he's considering waking Gabriel up for round two - three? - round three, when the doorbell rings.

"No," Chris says resolutely to his pillow. Gabriel grumbles behind him and pulls Chris closer, wiggling forward and rubbing his cock against Chris's ass.

"Good morning," he says gruffly. "Round three?"

"I am totally sending Ashley a fruit basket," Chris sighs as Gabriel slides his hand down from Chris's stomach and wraps it around his cock. Which is when his doorbell rings. Again. And it doesn't stop this time, like someone is obnoxiously leaning on it just to be a total dick. "Darren," he hisses.

"Gabriel," Gabriel says. "Ignore it."

"No, I mean-- just stay here," Chris groans, climbing out of bed and pulling on his underwear and robe. "I mean it," he says, turning around and pointing at Gabriel. "Right there. Don't move. I will be back." Gabriel nods, blatantly staring at Chris's cock through his underwear, and Chris grins before pulling his robe shut and heading for his front door.

" _What_ ," he snaps, turning the locks and throwing the door open. "What do you want."

"I brought donuts," Darren says, holding up a box and smiling innocently. "I wanted to see how last night went."

"It went wonderfully, which is why I can't believe you're here, ringing my doorbell first thing in the morning when you know I got laid."

"It's noon," Darren says. "Besides, I got laid too! That's why I brought donuts. These are celebratory donuts, celebrating the fact that we got _laid_!" He holds his hand up for a high five, and Chris is debating just how rude it would be to leave him hanging _and_ steal the donuts when Darren's eyes go wide and Chris feels arms slide around his waist.

"Hello, Christopher's friend," Gabriel says, hooking his chin over Chris's shoulder. "Christopher is busy."

"Yes," Darren says. "Yes, I see that now. Sleepover, huh? _Nice_ ," he stage-whispers to Chris. Chris can actually _see_ the effort it's taking for Darren to keep his hand by his side and not go for another high five.

"I'll call you later," Chris says, flushing a little when Gabriel not-so-subtly grinds against his ass and starts to kiss at the side of his neck. "Congratulations."

"Yeah," Darren says, his eyes still a little too wide and something like a smirk tugging at his lips. "Yeah, you too."

-

"Stop waking me up," Chris whines into the phone a little while later. He tried to ignore it but there's only so many times he can listen to _Sexy Back_ before he snaps. "I was napping. It was the best nap."

"I was calling to make sure you're still alive," Darren says. "You could have died from any number of sex related injuries by now. Or dehydration."

"I always stay well hydrated during sex," Chris mumbles absently, stretching his legs out under the sheets. "Your concern is for naught."

"Did you just say naught?" Darren asks, sounding amused. "How well fucked are you?"

"Everything's beautiful," Chris says happily, stretching some more and not even caring how sore he is. "I forgive you for waking me up."

"Really, really well fucked then," Darren says, and he pauses just a _little_ too long. Chris's eyes snap open. "Really well fucked."

"Stop saying that," Chris groans. "Don't be weird about this."

"I'm not being weird. I'm happy for you," Darren says. "Although I didn't think he was really your type. He seemed kind of smarmy. And having seen him naked, I just think you could do better."

"Darren," Chris says slowly, making sure to enunciate. "Stop being weird."

"I'm not being weird," Darren insists again. "I'm just looking out for you."

"Uh huh," Chris yawns. "What about your night? You've been so distracted with my sex life you haven't even mentioned yours."

"Lea is... kind of terrifying," Darren says. "I thought for sure she was just picking up girls for herself, but then she brought someone back. Her name's Sarah, she's awesome."

"That's all I get? She's awesome? You saw Gabriel's dick, this hardly seems like a fair trade-off."

"Well maybe you should have cared about me and come to _my_ house and then you could have seen Sarah's boobs. Maybe. The point is, it's not my fault I'm a better friend than you."

"You have such strange ideas about friendship," Chris says, turning onto his back and sighing up at his ceiling. "What time is it?"

"It's like eight," Darren says. "That must have been some really good sex if you can't even tell time."

"I was taking a nap," Chris says. "Fuck, I'm hungry. All I've eaten today is like two bites of a banana."

"Is that a eu--"

"No," Chris says quickly, rubbing his hand over his face. "No, I can't take bananas equal dick jokes right now. I'm going to hang up on you and then go eat something and then we can go back to not being friends who have a vested interest in each other's sex lives."

"But I'll miss you," Darren says, sounding genuinely sad.

"We see each other almost every day," Chris points out gently.

"It's not the same. I had so much fun as your wingman."

"All either of us ever did was drink and strike out and then fall asleep," Chris reminds him.

"I know," Darren sighs. "It was so nice."

Chris pauses. "Were you just using the whole wingman thing as an excuse to sleep with me?" he asks, raising an eyebrow. It's all starting to make sense, although Chris isn't sure if he should be flattered or kind of creeped out. Either way, he's completely unsurprised.

"It was definitely a perk," Darren says. "I'm not gonna lie."

"I hate you," Chris says, smiling fondly at the phone before he realizes what he's doing. "I'm going to take a shower. If you can get here with a pizza by the time I'm out I'll watch _Dreamgirls_ with you."

"Holy shit, seriously?" Darren asks. "I thought you said never again after that time I sang _And I Am Telling You_ to you and broke that vase." Chris must be going soft, because he actually finds Darren's excitement endearing. Or maybe it's Stockholm Syndrome. They really _do_ have a weird friendship.

"Don't make me change my mind," Chris says. "And I'm not promising anything, but if you get wings too I might even let you watch it in bed with me. But no spooning," he adds quickly.

"Did you wash your sheets after your sexcapades?" Darren asks. "Actually no, I don't care. This is too important of a moment. If I have to sit in dried jizz to be with you I'll do it, Chris. That's how much you mean to me."

"Fuck you," Chris says, rolling his eyes and trying to pretend he isn't smiling. "Now you have to get breadsticks too."

"If I get breadsticks too can I negotiate for spooning?" Darren asks. "I'll keep my pants on this time and everything."

"You always say that," Chris sighs. "And yet."

"Oh please, like I'm going to take my pants off and roll around in your jizz-covered bed."

"You say that like it would be the first time you've rolled around pantsless on a jizz-covered bed," Chris says. He doesn't know for sure, but it seems like a pretty good bet.

"I've really got to stop letting you hang out with Joey," Darren mumbles.

"Knew it," Chris says happily to himself.

"Go shower, fucker." Darren says. "I'm already in my car, and if I get there before you're done I'm going to break into your house and feed you breadsticks while you wash your balls."

"That might be the weirdest threat you've ever made," Chris says, groaning a little as he hauls himself up from his bed and heads for his bathroom. That really was an awesome nap.

"Nah," Darren says. "Just the weirdest threat I've ever made about your balls."

"Stop talking about my balls," Chris says, turning on the water. "And to think I was considering washing my sheets for you and everything."

Darren huffs. "I wasn't talking about _just_ your balls, I was--"

"Okay, I can't actually talk to you while I'm in the shower," Chris says with a short laugh, leaning back against the sink. "I'm hanging up now, Darren."

"Okay," Darren says, faking a long-suffering sigh. "Have fun. Don't drown. I love you."

Chris grins to himself, turning on the showerhead. "See you later, Darren."


End file.
